Trump flushing out British spies; anyone who drinks tea

PALM BEACH, FL — President-Elect Donald Trump took time out of his Christmas holiday to announce that, once he takes office, any American caught drinking tea instead of coffee would immediately be detained for questioning under the suspicion they are a British spy.

“Americans drink coffee,” Trump said. “It’s what our founding fathers fought for — and I love our founding fathers almost as I love a good cup of Joe. But not Joe Biden. That’s never good.”

Though Trump hasn’t officially assumed office yet, he’s been getting a lot of work done in an unofficial capacity ahead of his January 20th inauguration including assembling his cabinet, meeting with world leaders, and instigating a healthy fear of the British.

“Trump is bringing shades of McCarthyism back to America, only instead of a red scare it’s a blue scare as he encourages people to run and hide from the British,” said outraged media pundit Fredrick Port. “I’m not going to stop drinking my cup of Earl Grey in the mornings.” Unconfirmed reports indicate he was detained for questioning shortly after the live broadcast.

RFK Jr., Trump’s pick for the Health & Human Services Secretary, has reiterated Trump’s pronouncement that tea is a sign of loyalty to the British Crown, adding that green tea will also be seen as a sign of loyalty to the Chinese. “But iced tea is fine,” he said. “Provided it’s not sweet tea. You won’t be seen as a spy, but I will be very disappointed in you.