“To Save Time, CNN Will Now Run Retractions Simultaneously With News Stories”

Haha.

ATLANTA, GA — As part of the channel’s ongoing quest to ensure accurate media reporting, CNN has elected to run live retractions simultaneously with the news stories being reported at the time.

CNN CEO Mark Thompson confirmed the change in a public statement on Friday. “We’re really bad at our job, but we can be slightly less bad if we keep the same terrible anchors on camera while also reporting corrections at the bottom of the screen. This helps us maintain accuracy in our news reporting while not violating the contracts of on-screen talent.”

Anchors Erin Burnett, Kaitlan Collins, Abby Phillip, Jake Tapper, Laura Coates, and Kate Bolduan were said to be most affected by the change in business process. Meanwhile, Wolf Blitzer’s news ticker will be replaced by a disclaimer warning users that the seasoned anchor is not, in fact, an actual wolf.

Anderson Cooper, among the network’s most untrustworthy anchors, will see the majority of his show taken over by retractions while he continues to report live from a small news ticker at the bottom of the screen.