Visited by ghosts of Christmas past, present, and future, “Trump announces he did everything perfect.”

MAR-A-LAGO, FL — Former and current President Donald J. Trump reportedly threw open the storm shutters of his Mar-a-Lago estate and proclaimed that, during the night he had been visited by the ghosts of January 6 past, present, and future, and that they confirmed what he already knew: He did everything perfectly.

… last night's visit was very, very peculiar. At first, I thought these three apparitions were an undigested bit of Big Mac, a blot of ketchup, a crumb of french fry. They were real, super real."

The 45th president continued as his gardeners waited patiently, "I was told by the ghosts to reflect upon my present blessings — of which every man has many and I have many, many more — and not on my past mistakes, of which I have none, which I might add includes the events of January 6. The ghosts said so."

Trump then told the workers to continue with the yard work, but pointed to a bright, young Hispanic named Julio and told him to run to McDonald's and fetch the largest platter of hamburgers they have, tossing down a bag of gold coins because who knew how much hamburgers cost.

At publishing time, Donald Trump had vowed to "Honour January 6 in my heart, and try to keep it all the year."